* Thanks to tallulah71 @ the BPD for the caps *
Like most Otalia fans I’ve been wondering how on earth are TPTB going to bring Natalia back from her religious retreat, aka Leccia’s maternity leave, and return her into Olivia’s orbit. And what I hope to be a happy ending for Otalia before Guiding Light ends in a month! *Sigh* sadness :(
I tortured myself all over again and watched NOtalia stuff that occurred since Natalia abruptly left on the 4th of July. The day that was supposed to be their independence day – their coming out of sorts. It was supposed to be fun happy times! And quite possibly fun happy times with cookies! : P But, no! That doesn’t happen on Soaps.
It is fair to say that I was pissed off that Natalia left with out a word. Leaving Father Ray of all people and Blake to tell Olivia that she wasn’t coming to the BBQ, that she has left town for a religious retreat and she doesn’t know when she would becoming back. Natalia knew how much that day meant to Olivia. Not to mention, it meant a lot to her too. However, I was okay with it. I understood it. She couldn’t face Olivia. She couldn’t face her situation without knowing how she felt about everything – the pregnancy, Olivia, Frank, Rafe, her religion.
I mean the thing is she didn’t tell Rafe she was leaving either. Even though her and Rafe are going through what they are going through she stills considers him her best friend and she didn’t say anything to him. She always tells Rafe where she is going and who she is with. But, she didn’t, not this time. That right there says a lot about Natalia and how she was feeling in that moment.
Natalia’s entire world just came crashing down on her with one positive home pregnancy test. It was the last thing she ever expected to happen to her, especially now. Yes, she was nervous and a bit scared of announcing that her and Olivia were in fact a couple, but that comes with the territory of dating anyone new – not just the fact that she is with another woman. So she was aware that some people might not be accepting. That people would pass judgment on her and there would be some fall out issues to deal with. But she didn’t care. Olivia made her happy and that is all that matter. Natalia was ready to start completely living in the moment and accept her and Olivia’s relationship – to stop waiting and to live! But the minute the blood tests confirmed her pregnancy was the minute Natalia had a crisis of faith – for a lack of better words.
Naturally the place Natalia goes to think things through is to church. The person Natalia confides in and talks things out with is God. It’s who she turns to. Always has been. We all know she could have talked to Olivia, but not now. She needed to know how she felt about the pregnancy. And that is the reason why she didn’t call Olivia. If she had, she knew Olivia would have convinced her to stay and that there wasn’t anything that they couldn’t solve together. Which is so incredibly true, but Natalia wasn’t ready to turn Olivia’s world upside down like hers had just been or ready to break Olivia’s heart by doing so with that news.
Ironically, Natalia broke Olivia’s heart anyway by not telling her she was leaving. And even more so, it brings us back to their declarations of love to each other. Olivia couldn’t allow Natalia to love her because it would change who she was and she just couldn’t do that to her. Olivia was looking out for Natalia’s heart fearing she would be the one that caused the pain and suffering and eventual heartbreak for Natalia. She most certainly did not expect it to be the other way around. Olivia knew it was a possibility in loving Natalia that she too would get hurt that is why she tells her “there is no us,” she just believed she would be heartbroken by the fact that she caused Natalia all this pain by loving her. *swoon* If that’s not love I don’t know what is!
Natalia being so completely lost and not finding the answers in her church of all places, a place where she could usually find solace, she acknowledges that it is going to take more time than one afternoon of sitting in her church to find the answers that she is looking for. She knows she needs time to think things through. So how could she convey this to Olivia without giving reason to why she is in this emotional distress that she is in. She just can’t. She really can’t.
So, I understand Natalia’s need to get away and think about things. I mean she has done that on several occasions. She wanted to get away and leave her problems with Rafe at home for a bit and when Frank offered that to her she accepted. She went away with Olivia in order for them to figure out how to be together. So, of course Nat would need some time to think about her situation and the best way she could do that was to get away from Springfield – the very place where all her problems lie.
I get that. I think we all understand it. But it just still does not make sense to have Natalia leave with out saying anything to the woman that she loves – to the woman she considers her family. It just don’t get it. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t feel right.
So yes I may understand what they were trying to do, but I’m still mad about it. More so knowing that Guiding Light was ending in September. Did they really need to go this route? Really? Seriously?! I mean SERIOUSLY?!
To watch Olivia in all that pain was heartbreaking. At times it was too painful to watch. And that speaks volumes on Crystal Chappell’s acting. Her performance through it all was amazing. I felt everything Olivia felt. But I digress… For Olivia to not know why her beloved would leave and not say a word was incomprehensible to her. She had absolutely no idea why she left. Natalia hadn’t given Olivia any ounce of doubt about their relationship or any clue that something was wrong or could be wrong. Thus for Natalia to leave the way she did it was completely out of left field for Olivia. Olivia could only speculate to the reason.
In the scene we saw on Monday between Frank and Olivia spoke volumes to not only how Olivia was feeling but how we were all feeling and understanding of this situation.
Olivia: Where did she go, Frank? Why did she leave me?
Frank: I don’t know. I don’t know. She’s gone, you know. And if she’s gone, I mean, then does it really matter?
O: It does to me.
F: Yeah, well, you know what? Don’t beat yourself up. Just let it go.
O: I can’t. There has to be some reason.
F: Then pick one Olivia. Pick one. I’m sure there is a long laundry list of possibilities. You know, it’s just….
O: Just what?
F: Did you ever think maybe that it was you – just you?
Uh, duh Frank! Don’t you know Frank that is all she thinks about!? She wonders why she left and why she would leave without saying a single word to her. All she can do is assume that it was something she did. For all she knew everything was fine with her Natalia. They seemed to be on the same page with their relationship and were as happy as they could be with where they were in their life at that moment. Of course, naturally, it’s what Olivia fears the most – that it was in fact something that she did to drive her away. It may not have been intentionally or even consciously, but in her mind it is possibility.
Look at Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s episode where Phillip questions her lovability, which no doubt she has questioned herself, and with everything that Buzz and Frank said on Monday, of course she was left to feel worse about herself and the situation. So she threw herself a pity party with vanilla ice cream. I like vanilla ice cream but I prefer chocolately bad things or Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in pity party mode, but hey, to each their own. :P But again, I digress… Look what Olivia went through all month long. Trying to drown her sorrows in alcohol. The “death” of Jeffrey. The one person Olivia believed would be there for her no matter what wasn’t there when she needed her. That hurt. It hurt a lot. She told Dinah she wanted to do everything differently the next time she found love and she has. She is not the same Olivia that arrived in Springfield. And she most certainly isn’t the same person Natalia first met. Natalia, her love for her, and her love in their relationship whatever it has been and whatever it could be has changed Olivia. So fundamentally Olivia believes something in her could very well have caused Natalia to leave.
I certainly don’t blame Olivia for thinking that. I probably would think it if I were in her position. So which leads me into my question and title of this blog that I started forever ago – FORGIVINESS. Does Natalia need to grovel when she returns?
Hmmm….
Grovel: (verb) act in an obsequious manner in order to obtain someone’s forgiveness.
I think it’s the word itself that I’m not liking in this situation. To grovel has such a negative connotation. It’s so… I don’t know. It’s so ugly – for a lack of a better word...
Natalia indeed break Olivia’s heart. Natalia has caused Olivia to lose trust in her. In doing so Olivia lost faith and confidence in herself. Thus, Natalia has fences to mend no doubt about it. But to grovel?! I don’t know. These are two women who are very much in love with each other. It is not an unrequited love. It’s not an ugly love. It is a selfless love. They love each other because they have to. They feel it inside of them. They can’t ignore it because it is so pure and true. But, Natalia did something incredibly hurtful to Olivia and that is hard to forgive. Not impossible to forgive, but hard nonetheless. It’s that saying about forgiveness & forgetting. It is easier to forgive than to forget.
I think if Natalia comes back and is able to clearly express everything without hesitation and back peddling or offering excuses rather than the reason Olivia will forgive her. It’s not going to be easy by any means, but it can happen. But Olivia won’t be able to forget it. She won’t be able to let the past month’s events go. I mean she has gone through a lot. Thus, to be able to return to the way things were is not an automatic possibility. In these situations it never is. It will take time to heal these wounds. I just hope Natalia knows this upon her return. I hope she can understand Olivia’s reactions, thoughts and feelings toward what happened. I hope that she can accept them for all that they are and know Olivia will need sometime to figure things out just like she did. And I hope Natalia knows that it won’t take a grand romantic gesture to prove her love to Olivia and that she is the one for her, but it will take a series of events that will lend it’s hand to Olivia saying I can trust you with my life, my love and my heart again. And if she does that, that will lead up to their reconciliation and the moment that they will be able to say, “I’m sorry, I understand and I forgive you” and they will be able to move forward in their relationship.
After seeing the previews for next week's episodes I’m hopeful. At first glance it looks like Natalia approaches Olivia without considering the past month’s events. But I doubt it. I think Natalia is so happy to see Olivia and eager to get back to the way things were and make things right that she just has to stop upon seeing her. However, I don’t think she is expecting Olivia to react and act the way that Olivia probably will upon seeing her. Natalia knows Olivia is going to be hurt and upset, but she just doesn’t know how badly. And she certainly doesn’t know everything else that has happened in town while she was gone that added to Olivia’s pain.
So, yes, Natalia needs to be forgiven. But, I don’t think she has to ask for it. Beg or grovel or anything like that. I think all she has to do is coming back and say she is sorry, give Olivia the reason as to why she left, explain that she still is so very much in love with her and that she wants this relationship and that she is not going to give it up without a fight. Then to back that all up in her actions will be how she does it.
So it most certainly is going to be interesting to see how this forgiveness business will play out – especially since the Goddess herself assured the fans that Otalia is endgame.
**Damn, I wrote A LOT! And I’m beginning to think I should just start podcasting what I’m trying to write because I talk out loud to myself when I write in order to organize my thoughts anyways. I’m sure it would also save me a lot of time and there is that added bonus of less time typing meaning less chance of getting carpal tunnel. Just something to think about I guess.**
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