I want you to stay

Surprise surprise. I came here to write about Otalia and Guiding Light and my thoughts and feelings since Natalia's return and the amazing acting skills of Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia, but I couldn't. I was too focused on this song.

This song played towards the end of today's episode. It was not only fitting for the story lines it played background music for, but for my sentiments towards Guiding Light as we head to September 18th.

Aaron and Andrew's Come On Let's Get It Going:
Click Here to listen at last.fm

Everything will be okay if we just stick together
Our friends will make us better, than we were before
Things will go our way if we just hold a little bit longer
The struggles make us stronger, in the end
No need to dry your eyes if that's just how you've been feeling
The tears give life meaning, that's what i love
And I can't turn away because this is what we dream of
It is everything that we love and I just need to know

If you want me to stay just let me know
I can't hear you
And if you want me to stay don't let me go
I can't hear you

I can't believe we've come this far, it feels like its been forever
You helped me keep it together and kept our heart strong
And i can't turn away because this is what we dream of
This is everything that we love and so I need to know

If you want me to stay just let me know
I can't hear you
And if you want me to stay don't let me go
I can't hear you

oh it's alright
oh it's alright

oh it's alright
oh it's alright

oh it's alright
oh it's alright

And if you want me to stay just let me know
And I can't hear you
And if you want me to stay just let me know
And I can't hear you
And if you want me to stay don't let me go
And I can't hear you

GUIDING LIGHT I WANT YOU TO STAY! Do you hear me? I want you to stay.

Damn you CBS for taking it away! I hate you for taking away what could have been.

The chance to see Otalia become a true love story and super couple. To see Phillip reconcile with his family. To see Olivia's friendship with Phillip and Josh continue to grow. To see Phillip co-parent. To see Emma grow up to be just like her mother. To see if Josh and Reva will be always forever. To see if Beth and Phillip will reunite. To see Bizzie build a family amongst the Lewis and Spaulding clans...

I mean SERIOUSLY!? SERIOUSLY!

Phillip and Rick sitting on a see-saw having a conversation about kids and enjoying what time you have with them while you can. To cut to them playing basketball with Emma & Olivia, which results in them losing and reflecting on woman, fish and their friendship.

Come on!

What soap gives you that? No soap! Well, besides Guiding Light. And you are taking that away? Tis a shame. It really is.

This show is about family and the town of Springfield. How they all live and interact with one another.

I came for Otalia 2 months ago. I caught up on their backstory through youtube and Big Purple Dreams. Once I finished watching the clips and then re-watching a million and half more times I realized I needed to watch the entire show because there seemed to be essential parts missing. I know Otalia was there, but the other characters that are in their orbit were not. I needed to know about them too. Well, I also need to see Otalia on a daily basis, but that's another addiction for another day...

So, I started tuning in daily. I fell in love with Phillip and Beth. I fell for Bizzie. I cheered for Dinah and Shayne. I grew amazed by Lillian's strength and love. Was intrigued by Doris. Wondered how the family lines and friendship lines crossed and crisscrossed. And how is it that Blake has every job in Springfield and still look so fabulous! I became invested in the lives of the citizens of Springfield. I rooted for them. I cried for them. I cried with them. I yelled at them. I smiled with them. I laughed with them. I laughed at them. I shared their pain, struggles, and fears. I wished them well.

On top of all that I fell in love with what I believed soaps could or should have been and what they had been. I'm 27 and I've only been watching soaps for the past six years, but I've been reading Soap Opera Digest for as long as I can remember. I remember hearing about Luke and Laura - the wedding of the century. The Kane women. Myrtle and Phoebe. Carly being buried alive. The Cassadines. Stone's Death. John and Marlena. Angie and Jesse. Josh and Reva. The Nurse's Balls. Robert, Anna and Holly. I wish I could have seen it all. Oh I wish to have seen it. The love stories. The drama. All the elements that made soaps this genre that I have grown to love and more recently loved to hate.

But with Guiding Light, it has always been about the love. Sure, I may not have agreed with some of the choices they've made. However, I've enjoyed the ride. The story line as a whole has not let me down. Even with the unexpected pregnancy of Natalia Rivera. I may not particularly like the fact that she is pregnant, but I'm not going to give up on it. I like where it's going. I see it's greater purpose or the potentiality in the story. And what's a super couple is without angst and drama with a wrench and the kitchen sink or in this case a pregnancy thrown in as a hurdle for the couple to overcome? I'll take it. If the story is told well, with emotion and passion and is character driven I will follow. Because isn't that what it's all about?

That's what drew me in. I was searching for a story about strong independent women who didn't need a man to complete them or any other bullshit you want to call the situation of a woman needing a man. I didn't want them to be perfect. I wanted them flawed, damaged and with some real emotional and physical baggage - the way people really are. I wanted it to ring true to life. It didn't need to depict my life it just needed to be unbelievably real. And the stories I found on Guiding Light have been very real. Yes, I've seen my life reflected in moments by almost every character, but it's not what keeps me tuning in everyday. It is the emotional and passionate stories told beautifully and acted wonderfully by this great set of people at Guiding Light. Let's not forget the fact that these actors who are breathing life into these characters are getting the chance to act! We are shown not told. I get to see in their body language and their subsequent actions how they feel and think. I like that. I appreciate it. I respect it.

But more than anything, what I loved about the Otalia relationship is the fact that it was slow building. Sadly for me I didn't get to see it play out in real time. I saw it play out in the several days I spent watching the past two and a half years of backstory. It wasn't contrived or thrown out of left field. It was love. They had no other reason to go there other than the fact that it was love. And I love that! I may be a cynic but I still carry a bit of hopeless romantic inside of me. And to see something ring true and to stike a chord in my heart is a beautiful gift.

So I thank the wonderfully talented team at Guiding Light for all that you did!

And to you CBS, I hate you for taking this away from me!

Guiding Light please don't go. I want you to stay!

Sometimes you just can't say no!

Hi, I’m Christina and I’m an addict.

My drug of choice is Otalia. Actually, more correctly, any and all things Crystal Chappell and Jessica Leccia.

Oh how I crave to see those dimples, lips and eyes. Oh those soulful eyes. The way Natalia and Olivia have powerful conversations without saying a word to one another. I melt every single time they appear on screen! I <3 them!

I’ve never really been a fangirl for anything! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fangirl moments for the shows I watch and the couples I may root for, but I typically don’t care who they end up with or how the storyline ends. I watch TV for the escape. I watch to go along for the ride. I usually end up connecting and relating to these characters’ personalities and how the feel and react to the events in their lives, but when it comes down to it, it is about how I relate their stories to things in my life. I usually pick up a subtle theme or emotion for the week in my shows. Which typically it’s something I’ve been thinking about or feeling in that moment. I analyze it. I process it through my thinking out loud debate back and forth writing process I do so I know how I feel about the thought or emotion at hand. So, in other words it’s a cathartic release – and by far a much cheaper form of therapy.

But, with Otalia I’ve become such a fangirl it’s kind of scary. I’m not afraid to admit that my day revolves around the hour a sit down and watch Guiding Light, regardless at what time I watch it. During that hour I don’t do anything, but watch. Well, technically I have a my little notebook and write down notes on moments, thoughts and feelings of what I’m seeing on my screen and what I’m thinking and feeling. But, I’m solely focused on the show.

So, needless to say I was beyond excited for today. The lovely Jessica Leccia returned to Guiding Light. That meant the dimpled freaking superhero Natalia Rivera has returned to Springfield. And it made me so happy. SO HAPPY! My heart stopped, the tears formed and I forgot to breathe the moment those dimples appeared. And honestly it happened every single time I saw Natalia and Olivia today cause I was dying for the moment that they would finally come face to face. Then the tears just started falling. I was such a mess!

I have so much to say about today’s episode. What I saw, how I reacted and how I feel about it all. What I think is coming up and how it will play out – or at least how I hope it turns out. But, I’m too emotionally raw and stunned that I just can’t do so. Maybe later. I just had to confess my addiction and my pure excitement that Natalia is finally home!

Complexities of the Human Condition: Foregiveness - Otalia Edition

* Thanks to tallulah71 @ the BPD for the caps *

Like most Otalia fans I’ve been wondering how on earth are TPTB going to bring Natalia back from her religious retreat, aka Leccia’s maternity leave, and return her into Olivia’s orbit. And what I hope to be a happy ending for Otalia before Guiding Light ends in a month! *Sigh* sadness :(

I tortured myself all over again and watched NOtalia stuff that occurred since Natalia abruptly left on the 4th of July. The day that was supposed to be their independence day – their coming out of sorts. It was supposed to be fun happy times! And quite possibly fun happy times with cookies! : P But, no! That doesn’t happen on Soaps.

It is fair to say that I was pissed off that Natalia left with out a word. Leaving Father Ray of all people and Blake to tell Olivia that she wasn’t coming to the BBQ, that she has left town for a religious retreat and she doesn’t know when she would becoming back. Natalia knew how much that day meant to Olivia. Not to mention, it meant a lot to her too. However, I was okay with it. I understood it. She couldn’t face Olivia. She couldn’t face her situation without knowing how she felt about everything – the pregnancy, Olivia, Frank, Rafe, her religion.

I mean the thing is she didn’t tell Rafe she was leaving either. Even though her and Rafe are going through what they are going through she stills considers him her best friend and she didn’t say anything to him. She always tells Rafe where she is going and who she is with. But, she didn’t, not this time. That right there says a lot about Natalia and how she was feeling in that moment.

Natalia’s entire world just came crashing down on her with one positive home pregnancy test. It was the last thing she ever expected to happen to her, especially now. Yes, she was nervous and a bit scared of announcing that her and Olivia were in fact a couple, but that comes with the territory of dating anyone new – not just the fact that she is with another woman. So she was aware that some people might not be accepting. That people would pass judgment on her and there would be some fall out issues to deal with. But she didn’t care. Olivia made her happy and that is all that matter. Natalia was ready to start completely living in the moment and accept her and Olivia’s relationship – to stop waiting and to live! But the minute the blood tests confirmed her pregnancy was the minute Natalia had a crisis of faith – for a lack of better words.

Naturally the place Natalia goes to think things through is to church. The person Natalia confides in and talks things out with is God. It’s who she turns to. Always has been. We all know she could have talked to Olivia, but not now. She needed to know how she felt about the pregnancy. And that is the reason why she didn’t call Olivia. If she had, she knew Olivia would have convinced her to stay and that there wasn’t anything that they couldn’t solve together. Which is so incredibly true, but Natalia wasn’t ready to turn Olivia’s world upside down like hers had just been or ready to break Olivia’s heart by doing so with that news.

Ironically, Natalia broke Olivia’s heart anyway by not telling her she was leaving. And even more so, it brings us back to their declarations of love to each other. Olivia couldn’t allow Natalia to love her because it would change who she was and she just couldn’t do that to her. Olivia was looking out for Natalia’s heart fearing she would be the one that caused the pain and suffering and eventual heartbreak for Natalia. She most certainly did not expect it to be the other way around. Olivia knew it was a possibility in loving Natalia that she too would get hurt that is why she tells her “there is no us,” she just believed she would be heartbroken by the fact that she caused Natalia all this pain by loving her. *swoon* If that’s not love I don’t know what is!

Natalia being so completely lost and not finding the answers in her church of all places, a place where she could usually find solace, she acknowledges that it is going to take more time than one afternoon of sitting in her church to find the answers that she is looking for. She knows she needs time to think things through. So how could she convey this to Olivia without giving reason to why she is in this emotional distress that she is in. She just can’t. She really can’t.

So, I understand Natalia’s need to get away and think about things. I mean she has done that on several occasions. She wanted to get away and leave her problems with Rafe at home for a bit and when Frank offered that to her she accepted. She went away with Olivia in order for them to figure out how to be together. So, of course Nat would need some time to think about her situation and the best way she could do that was to get away from Springfield – the very place where all her problems lie.

I get that. I think we all understand it. But it just still does not make sense to have Natalia leave with out saying anything to the woman that she loves – to the woman she considers her family. It just don’t get it. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t feel right.

So yes I may understand what they were trying to do, but I’m still mad about it. More so knowing that Guiding Light was ending in September. Did they really need to go this route? Really? Seriously?! I mean SERIOUSLY?!

To watch Olivia in all that pain was heartbreaking. At times it was too painful to watch. And that speaks volumes on Crystal Chappell’s acting. Her performance through it all was amazing. I felt everything Olivia felt. But I digress… For Olivia to not know why her beloved would leave and not say a word was incomprehensible to her. She had absolutely no idea why she left. Natalia hadn’t given Olivia any ounce of doubt about their relationship or any clue that something was wrong or could be wrong. Thus for Natalia to leave the way she did it was completely out of left field for Olivia. Olivia could only speculate to the reason.

In the scene we saw on Monday between Frank and Olivia spoke volumes to not only how Olivia was feeling but how we were all feeling and understanding of this situation.

Olivia: Where did she go, Frank? Why did she leave me?
Frank: I don’t know. I don’t know. She’s gone, you know. And if she’s gone, I mean, then does it really matter?
O: It does to me.
F: Yeah, well, you know what? Don’t beat yourself up. Just let it go.
O: I can’t. There has to be some reason.
F: Then pick one Olivia. Pick one. I’m sure there is a long laundry list of possibilities. You know, it’s just….
O: Just what?
F: Did you ever think maybe that it was you – just you?

Uh, duh Frank! Don’t you know Frank that is all she thinks about!? She wonders why she left and why she would leave without saying a single word to her. All she can do is assume that it was something she did. For all she knew everything was fine with her Natalia. They seemed to be on the same page with their relationship and were as happy as they could be with where they were in their life at that moment. Of course, naturally, it’s what Olivia fears the most – that it was in fact something that she did to drive her away. It may not have been intentionally or even consciously, but in her mind it is possibility.

Look at Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s episode where Phillip questions her lovability, which no doubt she has questioned herself, and with everything that Buzz and Frank said on Monday, of course she was left to feel worse about herself and the situation. So she threw herself a pity party with vanilla ice cream. I like vanilla ice cream but I prefer chocolately bad things or Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in pity party mode, but hey, to each their own. :P But again, I digress… Look what Olivia went through all month long. Trying to drown her sorrows in alcohol. The “death” of Jeffrey. The one person Olivia believed would be there for her no matter what wasn’t there when she needed her. That hurt. It hurt a lot. She told Dinah she wanted to do everything differently the next time she found love and she has. She is not the same Olivia that arrived in Springfield. And she most certainly isn’t the same person Natalia first met. Natalia, her love for her, and her love in their relationship whatever it has been and whatever it could be has changed Olivia. So fundamentally Olivia believes something in her could very well have caused Natalia to leave.

I certainly don’t blame Olivia for thinking that. I probably would think it if I were in her position. So which leads me into my question and title of this blog that I started forever ago – FORGIVINESS. Does Natalia need to grovel when she returns?

Hmmm….

Grovel: (verb) act in an obsequious manner in order to obtain someone’s forgiveness.

I think it’s the word itself that I’m not liking in this situation. To grovel has such a negative connotation. It’s so… I don’t know. It’s so ugly – for a lack of a better word...

Natalia indeed break Olivia’s heart. Natalia has caused Olivia to lose trust in her. In doing so Olivia lost faith and confidence in herself. Thus, Natalia has fences to mend no doubt about it. But to grovel?! I don’t know. These are two women who are very much in love with each other. It is not an unrequited love. It’s not an ugly love. It is a selfless love. They love each other because they have to. They feel it inside of them. They can’t ignore it because it is so pure and true. But, Natalia did something incredibly hurtful to Olivia and that is hard to forgive. Not impossible to forgive, but hard nonetheless. It’s that saying about forgiveness & forgetting. It is easier to forgive than to forget.

I think if Natalia comes back and is able to clearly express everything without hesitation and back peddling or offering excuses rather than the reason Olivia will forgive her. It’s not going to be easy by any means, but it can happen. But Olivia won’t be able to forget it. She won’t be able to let the past month’s events go. I mean she has gone through a lot. Thus, to be able to return to the way things were is not an automatic possibility. In these situations it never is. It will take time to heal these wounds. I just hope Natalia knows this upon her return. I hope she can understand Olivia’s reactions, thoughts and feelings toward what happened. I hope that she can accept them for all that they are and know Olivia will need sometime to figure things out just like she did. And I hope Natalia knows that it won’t take a grand romantic gesture to prove her love to Olivia and that she is the one for her, but it will take a series of events that will lend it’s hand to Olivia saying I can trust you with my life, my love and my heart again. And if she does that, that will lead up to their reconciliation and the moment that they will be able to say, “I’m sorry, I understand and I forgive you” and they will be able to move forward in their relationship.


After seeing the previews for next week's episodes I’m hopeful. At first glance it looks like Natalia approaches Olivia without considering the past month’s events. But I doubt it. I think Natalia is so happy to see Olivia and eager to get back to the way things were and make things right that she just has to stop upon seeing her. However, I don’t think she is expecting Olivia to react and act the way that Olivia probably will upon seeing her. Natalia knows Olivia is going to be hurt and upset, but she just doesn’t know how badly. And she certainly doesn’t know everything else that has happened in town while she was gone that added to Olivia’s pain.

So, yes, Natalia needs to be forgiven. But, I don’t think she has to ask for it. Beg or grovel or anything like that. I think all she has to do is coming back and say she is sorry, give Olivia the reason as to why she left, explain that she still is so very much in love with her and that she wants this relationship and that she is not going to give it up without a fight. Then to back that all up in her actions will be how she does it.

So it most certainly is going to be interesting to see how this forgiveness business will play out – especially since the Goddess herself assured the fans that Otalia is endgame.

**Damn, I wrote A LOT! And I’m beginning to think I should just start podcasting what I’m trying to write because I talk out loud to myself when I write in order to organize my thoughts anyways. I’m sure it would also save me a lot of time and there is that added bonus of less time typing meaning less chance of getting carpal tunnel. Just something to think about I guess.**

Complexities of the Human Condition – LOVE: The Otalia Edition

Not going to lie, I’m a bit of a skeptic. I lose faith in people at times, but I never lose hope in them. I’m more of a realist than an optimist or even a pessimist. Yet, I’m still a hopeless romantic. It’s just who I am.

So, to fall in love with Otalia was an easy thing to do, but to question it was just as easy.

I was craving a good story. I was aching for a story that revolved around strong passionate women who did not need a man to complete them, save them, or any other of that fairytale crap. I wanted an honest and true story. I found that in the amazing love story of Olivia Spencer and Natalia Rivera on Guiding Light. Sadly that was only two months ago. Or fortunately enough since I did manage to find them and get to experience them.

Thanks to their passionate fans and Youtube I was able to watch almost all of their back-story. As I stayed up all night long devouring all the videos that told their story I went through every emotion possible. I smiled and laughed. I was angered. Enraged even. I was happy and sad. I cried. I had my heart broken, torn out of my chest, stomped on and smashed during the gravesite confession, non-wedding, and gazebo confession. Then I had it picked up and dusted off to be placed back where it belonged when Natalia tells Olivia that they should take sometime and figure it all out. I felt it all. Their story felt real. It never felt contrived. I never doubted that they loved each other. Never doubted that there was nothing they wouldn’t do for one another. But the skeptic in me questioned whether or not Natalia and Olivia were physically and sexually attracted to one another. I mean if this what the media desperately wanted to call a lesbian love story, this would have to be true? No? I personally didn’t care because I knew it was a real love story and that was all that really mattered. However, those questions were put to rest that lovely day in June, which just so happened to be the day I started watching Guiding Light, when Olivia and Natalia confessed to one another that they did in fact want sex to happen – they wanted more. They wanted it all. And me – I wanted to see it happen. I wanted to see Olivia and Natalia get that happiness that everyone dreams about.

Since I was now current in the storyline and Otalia was unfortunately not on everyday I went back and re-watched a lot of different scenes. Then the 4th of July happened and I really started re-watching happy Olivia and Natalia moments.

Questions were raised on when exactly did Olivia fall for Natalia. Naturally I noticed it happening. I mean how could you not? But that exact moment when Olivia realized she was feeling something towards Natalia was hard to pinpoint. But it happened somewhere in offering Natalia a job, giving her the deed to Gus’s house, being a freaking superhero, rescuing her at the photo shoot, the dinner with Decker & the investment fund, and moving in together. It could be any of those moments or it just may be a combination of all of them. But, it really doesn’t matter. It happens. As Crystal Chappell points out during today’s live chat on BPD and CCandFriends when she was asked:

At what point did you think Olivia started to have feelings or fall in love with Natalia?


CC’s response:

I think Olivia started to fall in love with Natalia... probably right before she moved in with her. When she was going out of her way to make her life better. It was about that time that she fell in love with her. When she realized she wanted to make her life better.



Follow up/Interjected question:

Before or after the heart attack? 


CC’s response:

Around about that time. She was aware she was falling for her but didn't consciously recognize that as love. She could not help herself. Isn't that love? When you just HAVE TO?

I completely agree with CC here. Olivia didn’t recognize it as love because she has never known that kind of love before. And the beauty of it was she did not question it. She just let it happen. It wasn’t until that fateful day in January where little Emma tells the world about her two mommies that Olivia was forced to stop and take a step back and really deal with what she was feeling. Then to have Natalia react the way she did put doubts in Olivia’s head. She couldn’t be in love with Natalia. She just couldn’t, but she was. In that moment where Olivia stands there and listens to Natalia tell Emma’s teacher that they aren’t that kind of couple, but they are in fact a family is the moment when she realized that she was right in feeling the way she did about Natalia. She loved her, but she didn’t know exactly what that meant. She didn’t know how to deal with all the emotions that were overwhelming her heart and head. But more importantly she realized that just maybe Natalia felt the exact same way.

When Olivia confronts Doris with that impassioned speech about Natalia and Doris in complete and utter awe states, “I wish a man would talk about me they way you just talked about her,” it was made perfectly clear that Olivia was madly in love with Natalia. And that terrified her. And love is just that - terrifying. To risk everything and put your whole heart, mind, body, soul out there for another person to grab a hold of and hope they do the same is a very scary thing. But, its also one of the most amazing and rewarding things you could ever do in this life. One could only be so lucky to experience that kind of love.

And just like CC says, “She couldn’t help herself. Isn’t that love? When you just HAVE TO?”

Yes, it is. It’s love and so much more.

That is ultimately what we see in the following months. As much as Olivia tried to bury her feelings and do what’s best for everyone she simply couldn’t. She couldn’t be left to wonder what if. She just had to LOVE. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Now, the big question is on everyone’s mind is how Otalia will be the end game. Most seem to believe Natalia needs to grovel once she returns in order to win Olivia’s love and trust back. I’m not so sure about that… well, not just quite yet. But, I’ll dig a bit deeper on that next time.



*** okay, hopefully I worked through all these thoughts in my head because sometimes you just hope “if I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer in inside of me threatening the life it belongs to.” Sorry about that. I speak in lyrics and clichés at times. Oh, btw that’s Anna Nalick’s Breathe (2 AM) if you didn’t know already. But yeah, just had some things to work out after all of today’s excitement with CC’s 2 and ½ hours or so of live chat and life. Hopefully I did. ***