Protecting Your Heart

I wrote the following after Monday's, 8/31, episode of Guiding Light. Unfortunately I didn't have a computer and was not about to attempt to blog this via the BlackBerry. So, just wrote it the old fashioned way - paper and pencil.

Ok, I realize this might be rather pointless especially after today's Guiding Light happenings, but I still felt the need to share because I still believe it and feel this way.... However, I will be typing up my response today's happenings later tonight after watching the episode again for what will probably be somewhere around the 10th time... I told you I was an addict... Anyways, on to the post:

As much as the past two weeks of Guiding Light has made me cry, smile and just in general reduced me to a blubbering emotional mess, I'm very much in love with the Otalia story line right now. I'm probably one of the few fans that is actually loving their relationship or lack thereof right now.

Yes, I'm not so happy about the pregnancy beat, but since that what's we got I just got to go with it. You know? Using what's available, "it's kinda like picking out ingredients you need or want to make a pie. You might want a berry pie, but you just might have apples. So, you know what? You got to make apple pie. That's what we're doing." And that is certainly what I'm doing.

Actually in all seriousness, I'm loving this beat. I love that Natalia has finally returned. I love her feisty-ness and persistence. I love Olivia's reaction to Natalia; the hurt, the pain, and the love in her eyes she gets when she sees Natalia, when Natalia does something, or even when she thinks about Natalia. It is all gravy! It is so perfect.

It seems that everyone wants Olivia to forgive Natalia already and just take her back. I, however, don't want it. Well, I want them back together, hello Otalia fan! I just don't want it YET! It's too soon. Natalia did some major damage by leaving.

One of the scenes that has always stood out to me in their story has been the moment Olivia finds out that Phillip has returned to town. Olivia freaks out and Natalia is the one to calm her down. Natalia tells Olivia that she trusts her with her life and if she hopes she can do the same; and Olivia says she does. And we've known that for some time now. Olivia trusts her with Emma. Olivia would do anything for Natalia. And Natalia would do anything for Olivia. And Olivia doesn't trust easily. Thus, Natalia seriously broke that trust when she left.

I mean how in the world do you trust someone who just broke your heart? Who seemingly left town with no concern for you and how you would react when you got back for the big reveal? Could you do it? I don't know that I could.

Olivia has always wanted to protect Natalia from this relationship. She feared what she would do to Natalia and her heart. But, she also feared what it would do to her heart. She loved Natalia with everything that she had. She cared for her like no other. And to let someone in our heart like that, it's a very big deal. But Olivia could not resist letting Natalia in. When it's a real true love, you can't just ignore it, you have to let it. And she did. And then Natalia left her. She left HER!

Olivia has always wanted someone to love her for her. Flaws and all. Someone to fight with her and for her. Natalia is that person. And she is proving it. I said it wasn't going to be some big huge romantic gesture that would get Olivia to forgive Natalia or prove her love for Olivia and the level of commitment, but rather a serious of little gestures. That is exactly what we are getting. Natalia is not cowering in the corner waiting for Olivia to make the first move. Natalia knows she has hurt Olivia. She knows she is not going to give in at the drop of an I love you, flowers, cookies or even tuna noodle casserole. But, she is going to keep doing things for her. Showing her she is willing to fight for her and with her. She is not going to go gently into the night and wonder what if. She knows what they have is good and is worth fight for. Good things are never easy or simple. They take work. They take time. They take a lot of love and care. And Natalia is going to remind her of that very sentiment.

And that is why I'm loving this beat. It's real. It's true. It is filled with emotions.

Olivia said she doesn't need to be reminded of how much she loves Natalia. It's not because she is trying to forget, it's because she can't forget nor does she want to. She has already forgiven Natalia for leaving. She knows Natalia needed to get away and think things through by herself for once, she just doesn't like it or understand it. Because in her mind they could have worked it out together. Olivia is right in that assumption. We all know Olivia would have been there for Natalia. They would have had arguments and heated discussions with lots of misunderstandings just like we've seen previously in their relationship. But Olivia would have helped her see that the baby is not a curse or some sign just like the retreat did. She would have held her and told her everything would be okay. They would have figured out what to do together. How to tell Frank. How to be a family. How to be together.

And that is exactly one of the reasons why Olivia can't forget just yet or tell Natalia she forgives her. Natalia went away and did all this thinking. She made all these plans without Olivia. Natalia decided what was best for everyone. And that never works out. Hello, Natalia, have you forgotten the whole marrying a man business because it would be best for everyone? Do you not remember Olivia trying to push you away and talk you out of the relationship because she wanted what's best for you? You can't plan another persons life and expect them to go along with it. You have to plan these things together. Natalia knows this. She saw it in Olivia's eyes and continues to do so. It was made perfectly clear during the surprise breakfast when Natalia tells Olivia she hears what she is saying. But, that doesn't mean she is just going to quit trying either. Natalia isn't going to give up because what they have is worth fighting for. Olivia knows it too. She is just not ready to trust Natalia yet. She is not ready to let Natalia back in. And the fact that Olivia hasn't lashed out at Natalia to make her life as miserable as she was when Natalia was gone is sign that things aren't beyond repair. Olivia is just using words to hurt Natalia. Natalia knows that. Cause truth be told Olivia doesn't want Natalia to give up. She wants her to fight. And that action alone proves that. Olivia wants this relationship just as much as Natalia, but it's the trust and the hurt and the pain that has her guarding her heart any way she can.

So to see this play out on my screen has been fabulous. Yes, it has broken my heart. Made me cry every damn day. Turns me into a giddy blubbering mess, but I wouldn't trade it in for a speedy reunion any day! Even though there is less than 3 weeks left, I wouldn't do it. I can't do it. Whatever that makes me I don't care, I'm loving it!