What else but random thoughts on Guiding Light for the week of September 7th 2009

Spent a majority of the weekend and the past week trying to write my feelings about the past few episodes of Guiding Light and I just couldn’t do it. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place. And it is really starting to affect me emotionally, physically, and mentally...

So, since I can’t put anything into words I thought I would just share my random thoughts I jotted down while watching the episodes. Yes, some or some similar sentiment may have appeared in my twitter feed already. But what I do share on twitter is never half or a quarter of them! As you will be able to tell if you manage to make it all the way through.

Anyways, on to my musings:

September 8, 2008

• Frank it's not about you! Everything is not about you!
• Who's not hearing whom? Alan? Phillip?
• Hi Cyrus. Buzz he is not a Cooper. He is Jenna's son. I like that he has a family but I don't want him to start acting like the rest of the Cooper family. You know Frank, Marina....
• Friend? Umm awkward much! Try daddy who abandon you because it would be too hard or confusing for him NOT you!
• Bizzie. How cute!
• Why are Bizzie going to Henry's birthday party?
• Oooh the Lewis men. Heart them!
• Dinah mention! Miss you lots!
• Oh sad music please don’t make me cry.
• "I'm sorry you’re dying." Funny and sad all at the same time :(
• Both of us. Josh & Reva always forever.
• How do you not see that the car is full of balloons Josh?
• Why do I find Alan chasing the balloons so poignant and not silly at all?
• Marina isn't that dress a bit much for your sons 1st birthday party? I’m thinking: Yes.
• Oh Bill heart you. Talking to Alan. You alright? Know where you are? Need a car? LMAO
• Oh holy hotness of a hottie! DINAH!!!!!! Best decision ever to have her in jeans & wife beater. Worst decision ever: the shoes! Um NO! Just no. Seriously. No!
• Alan & Phillip you kill me. The raw emotion so overwhelming.... speechless. Tears.
• Oh Frank! Go away already.
• Oh Dinah I want you to return to Springfield and work things out with Shayne. Heart you both. But doubt that will happen.
• Clowns are creepy. Buzz as a clown not funny at all. Ridiculous? Yes. Funny? No!
• Cute idea. But for a 1 years old birthday party? It's kinda random.
• You are supposed to be in Springfield. With your mother, brother and umm your husband! Please? Pretty please? I'm not above begging.
• Heart Cyrus. Not his responsibility to make Frank like him. Or prove he is not trying to replace him or Coop as Buzz’s son. He is not trying to say I'm a Cooper let me in.
• Thanks for making me laugh Alan & Phillip. Needed that :) Can I have the balloon? You haven't saved it yet. YET!

September 9, 2009

• Otalia!
• Yep.
• Just grab her face and kiss her damn it!
• Okay, at six months the baby is bigger than a blob on a sonogram picture. Seriously! And with technology today you can get 3D and 4D sonograms. Come on!
• Look at Blake and Frank. They are dressing a like. They must be the new lesbian couple.
• Jonathan! Sarah is so adorable.
• He is not going to back out. He needs to do this. Not just for you and the opportunity to hold it over your head forever, but for him. Alan needs this.
• Only love can save the world… Near kiss!
• He did not come talk to you Rick. He talked to Ed.
• Poor James :(
• He is going to be fine. He is a Spaulding.
• Yes, Reva was really that crazy. Thank you for seeing it and admitting it.
• Ivy? Really now? Oh Ivy Olivia? Wonder where that came from? LMAO :p
• I love you :) Oh I love you too, but you weren't taking to me were you Olivia? Damn!
• You are her mommy too! So fucking adorable! Dimples :)
• Bill and Phillip conversation. Wow! Look after the rest of them.
• Alan thanks for being honest with James.
• Helloooo Olivia!
• Alex has Snickers. Yum!
• Awkward! Thanks for the history throwback with that air hug.
• You may not be so crazy at this moment, but Reva you were craaaazy!
• Not so dead Edmund. Really Jeffrey? Really? Going to shoot him from across the street when you couldn't hit him from 5ft away. Yeah not going to happen.
• Why is there a microwave in the elevator? Random!
• Umm where was Josh coming from? Or where was Olivia coming from? I don't think their rooms are on the same floor...
• Yes, Josh that was damn sexy!
• Josh have I mentioned how much I heart you? You love her. She loves you. Just do it. I like it. A LOT! Simple and to the point.
• Alex and Alan. Spauldings. Another great conversation. That is all.
• Phillip and Beth. Laughs and tears and completely filled with a million different emotions. Summary of this episode.
• You did not just confess that Phillip! Wow. Find your way back to each other. Please?
• Damn you Rick! You could have given them a minute.
• Oh crap. Waterworks!
• Best conversation of the day: Beth and Lillian.
• Cutest conversation of the day: Lizzie and James. Or maybe it's just cause Lizzie is so darn cute. She just stole James’s sammich! :p
• Yeah, Jeffrey, you did get close, but you are a bad shot! I mean seriously. Bad shot.
• Ugh Frank... *eyeroll*
• Frank you are not five nor cute you can't pull of that face. Please don't. Just don't!
• Frank, don't make me smack you!
• Oh Jonathan you are seriously Reva's kid aren't ya?!
• Nothings ring your bell Olivia?
• Yes, please screw time and space. And a few other things. - Olivia likes it! A LOT! Did ya see? Did ya see the face?
• Persistence! FTMFW!
• That is so a real yes!
• And DAMN IT! Kiss her already!
• Frank don't touch her. Seriously! Dude. Do not touch! Didn't you see how they were sitting. Natalia is next to Olivia with her arm behind her. Facing her. Leaning towards her. She turned her head not her body to look at you. You have no business touching her! Please stop. Thank you.
• Oh… it's You and I by Kyler England. love it!

September 10, 2009

• Nothing has killed them yet. Ain't that the truth? And seriously! Did you really think Alan or Phillip or both would die? Seriously? They're Spauldings for crying out loud! They can’t die. Silly people Trix are for kids.
• Where did the flat iron go? Or is it just that damn hot and humid in Peapack?
• Helloooo Olivia!
• Doris! :)
• LMAO. Olivia searching for words. Been there. Done that. Every damn day JL & CC kill me DED! or you know when GL kills me DED…
• Ashlee and Rafe kinda cute.
• Ashlee totally says ‘Olivia’ like Doris did when Frank tells her, Olivia told him that Gus was the reason Nat couldn't marry him.
• I totally just said ‘oh yeah’ like Rafe. Creepy!
• Natalia looks so bored! She sees and hears Olivia and she gets instantly happy! Don’t blame her. So do I. Surprising, right?
• Frank you are annoyed by Olivia wanting to help pick out baby names. But you’re okay with Blake being there in the middle helping?
• You roll your eyes at Otalia one more time Frank I'm going to smack you. You have no say on whether or not Olivia moving back to the FOL is okay or whatever. You just told Shayne you were proud of him for stepping up into this unusual family role and you respect it because you were doing the same thing. Why don't you stand up and be a man yourself! Make me proud of you. Or at least make me want to stop threatening to smack ya!
• What you got in that napkin Olivia?
• More talking to headstones…
• Josh and Reva and the kids… so cute.
• G-daddy? Seriously!? LMAO
• Thank you Daisy. Did you hear that Rafe? Hmm? Ashlee doesn't care if Doris is gay nor she's upset at the fact that she is. It's the fact that she hid it from her.
• Jellybean! So cute!
• Can I live with you too?!
• Check out Natalia's face and eyes. Looking for reactions. We are going to be together because we love each other very much!
• OMFG so cute! You kill me ladies!
• Wimpy? Liv is definitely not wimpy? Did you not see her hurl that bag and book at the FOL door? Did you not see her carry those flowers? I mean come on! Oh and thank you Blake for smacking Rafe for that comment. Heart you.
• Loving Olivia's voice changes.
• Natalia best face ever!
• So cute. I'm glad that they aren't hiding their touches.
• Never!
• Calling each other on their shit. Otalia is back baby!
• Seriously best facial expressions ever! Made of win.
• Doris and Ashlee. Another great conversation. Probably the best convo of the day.
• Hello Olivia!
• Auntie O and her hot little mess. Love it!
• Girlfriend! FTMFW
• Damn Olivia! Those eyes! Being in love really works for ya! I like it! I like it a lot!
• Happy news. Beth so cute!
• However, Alan and Phillip look a little to well for a procedure that had such a high risk of killing them. Like seriously.
• And if she knew about that patient she couldn’t tell you.
• Hellooooo Olivia!
• Emma is seriously Olivia's kid.
• Natalia's room, eh? I’ll take it. Would have preferred our room, but is better than guessing are they or just assuming they are. Am I right?
• CC Ad lib? Bathroom. Nice place to visit. Love it! And the facial expressions.
• Moving in heels? Really? Is there anything this women can't do? Gets a moving truck in a matter of minutes, gets her nails done and U-Huals all in the same day without breaking a sweat or getting a hair out of place! Now that’s talent!
• He needs his mommy. How cute!
• Ok are we supposed to ignore the tent/canopy in the middle of the Farmhouse lawn?
• Why does Ashlee have a scarf and long sleeves on in the middle of summer? I mean seriously?!
• Emma & Olivia too cute!
• Softball!
• Oh that doesn't surprise me Doris. You are a lesbian after all!
• Hellooo Doris. Looking good!
• Damn check out those guns!
• Love Olivia touching the belly. So cute!
• Helloooo Olivia! Can I just watch her walk please?
• Oh Natalia you are so cute. "We are playing softball, not tackle football."
• Oh holy hell. Olivia. Seriously? I mean seriously! Do you need to stand like that. Hot dayum woman!
• I kinda like Rafe right now. I’m sure it will pass. LMAO
• James and Alan. Loving their relationship. The honesty is refreshing.
• I thought Frank was at the Farmhouse playing softball? Oh he is picking up tools. What kind of tools? I don’t think Otalia needs your tool. You can stay with Lillian and Billy.
• Lillian is rocking the purple scrubs.
• Weird scene. Very weird! I think I and it got lost in the editing somewhere.
• Oh… It's Aaron and Andrew ‘Here Forever’ love it!
• Beth and Phillip :)
• Beth you are looking fabulous!
• Please don't make me cry. I said please!
• Bizzie!
• Oh my godess!
• Okay crying now. Seriously people, I'm going to need my heart back.
• Frank managed to get back to the Farmhouse quickly now didn't he?
• ‘You did it. You made us a family.’ ‘We did it.’ KISS HER DAMN IT!!!!! Seriously, just do it!
• FU CBS! Seriously! FU! Farewell happens here? Really now? This is a farewell that did not need to happen! I seriously hate you for taking this away from me.
• But I am thankful for getting the chance to have farewell… however imperfect (my ideal) it may be.

Only 5 episodes left…. * sigh *

I'm not in denial about GL coming to an end. I know it happens on Friday September 18th 2009. I just don't particularly want to deal with that.

I mean I have not wanted to be spoiled. I have 2 months of Soap Opera Weekly, Soap Opera Digest, and CBS Soaps that I have not read or even looked at. I have online articles and videos and soon to be a million tribute specials airing on all kinds of news programs that I have tucked away and I will watch and read afterwards. When it's done. It's not just about being spoiled, because I do live a spoiler free life cause i'm all about enjoying the story telling ride, it's about not cramming this upcoming week with more emotion than I can handle. It's about respecting and honoring the last week. I will use it to help me grieve. And believe me I will be grieving. I didn’t expect it to fall in love with this show, the characters, the actors, but I did. So I will be in mourning all week for sure.

Protecting Your Heart

I wrote the following after Monday's, 8/31, episode of Guiding Light. Unfortunately I didn't have a computer and was not about to attempt to blog this via the BlackBerry. So, just wrote it the old fashioned way - paper and pencil.

Ok, I realize this might be rather pointless especially after today's Guiding Light happenings, but I still felt the need to share because I still believe it and feel this way.... However, I will be typing up my response today's happenings later tonight after watching the episode again for what will probably be somewhere around the 10th time... I told you I was an addict... Anyways, on to the post:

As much as the past two weeks of Guiding Light has made me cry, smile and just in general reduced me to a blubbering emotional mess, I'm very much in love with the Otalia story line right now. I'm probably one of the few fans that is actually loving their relationship or lack thereof right now.

Yes, I'm not so happy about the pregnancy beat, but since that what's we got I just got to go with it. You know? Using what's available, "it's kinda like picking out ingredients you need or want to make a pie. You might want a berry pie, but you just might have apples. So, you know what? You got to make apple pie. That's what we're doing." And that is certainly what I'm doing.

Actually in all seriousness, I'm loving this beat. I love that Natalia has finally returned. I love her feisty-ness and persistence. I love Olivia's reaction to Natalia; the hurt, the pain, and the love in her eyes she gets when she sees Natalia, when Natalia does something, or even when she thinks about Natalia. It is all gravy! It is so perfect.

It seems that everyone wants Olivia to forgive Natalia already and just take her back. I, however, don't want it. Well, I want them back together, hello Otalia fan! I just don't want it YET! It's too soon. Natalia did some major damage by leaving.

One of the scenes that has always stood out to me in their story has been the moment Olivia finds out that Phillip has returned to town. Olivia freaks out and Natalia is the one to calm her down. Natalia tells Olivia that she trusts her with her life and if she hopes she can do the same; and Olivia says she does. And we've known that for some time now. Olivia trusts her with Emma. Olivia would do anything for Natalia. And Natalia would do anything for Olivia. And Olivia doesn't trust easily. Thus, Natalia seriously broke that trust when she left.

I mean how in the world do you trust someone who just broke your heart? Who seemingly left town with no concern for you and how you would react when you got back for the big reveal? Could you do it? I don't know that I could.

Olivia has always wanted to protect Natalia from this relationship. She feared what she would do to Natalia and her heart. But, she also feared what it would do to her heart. She loved Natalia with everything that she had. She cared for her like no other. And to let someone in our heart like that, it's a very big deal. But Olivia could not resist letting Natalia in. When it's a real true love, you can't just ignore it, you have to let it. And she did. And then Natalia left her. She left HER!

Olivia has always wanted someone to love her for her. Flaws and all. Someone to fight with her and for her. Natalia is that person. And she is proving it. I said it wasn't going to be some big huge romantic gesture that would get Olivia to forgive Natalia or prove her love for Olivia and the level of commitment, but rather a serious of little gestures. That is exactly what we are getting. Natalia is not cowering in the corner waiting for Olivia to make the first move. Natalia knows she has hurt Olivia. She knows she is not going to give in at the drop of an I love you, flowers, cookies or even tuna noodle casserole. But, she is going to keep doing things for her. Showing her she is willing to fight for her and with her. She is not going to go gently into the night and wonder what if. She knows what they have is good and is worth fight for. Good things are never easy or simple. They take work. They take time. They take a lot of love and care. And Natalia is going to remind her of that very sentiment.

And that is why I'm loving this beat. It's real. It's true. It is filled with emotions.

Olivia said she doesn't need to be reminded of how much she loves Natalia. It's not because she is trying to forget, it's because she can't forget nor does she want to. She has already forgiven Natalia for leaving. She knows Natalia needed to get away and think things through by herself for once, she just doesn't like it or understand it. Because in her mind they could have worked it out together. Olivia is right in that assumption. We all know Olivia would have been there for Natalia. They would have had arguments and heated discussions with lots of misunderstandings just like we've seen previously in their relationship. But Olivia would have helped her see that the baby is not a curse or some sign just like the retreat did. She would have held her and told her everything would be okay. They would have figured out what to do together. How to tell Frank. How to be a family. How to be together.

And that is exactly one of the reasons why Olivia can't forget just yet or tell Natalia she forgives her. Natalia went away and did all this thinking. She made all these plans without Olivia. Natalia decided what was best for everyone. And that never works out. Hello, Natalia, have you forgotten the whole marrying a man business because it would be best for everyone? Do you not remember Olivia trying to push you away and talk you out of the relationship because she wanted what's best for you? You can't plan another persons life and expect them to go along with it. You have to plan these things together. Natalia knows this. She saw it in Olivia's eyes and continues to do so. It was made perfectly clear during the surprise breakfast when Natalia tells Olivia she hears what she is saying. But, that doesn't mean she is just going to quit trying either. Natalia isn't going to give up because what they have is worth fighting for. Olivia knows it too. She is just not ready to trust Natalia yet. She is not ready to let Natalia back in. And the fact that Olivia hasn't lashed out at Natalia to make her life as miserable as she was when Natalia was gone is sign that things aren't beyond repair. Olivia is just using words to hurt Natalia. Natalia knows that. Cause truth be told Olivia doesn't want Natalia to give up. She wants her to fight. And that action alone proves that. Olivia wants this relationship just as much as Natalia, but it's the trust and the hurt and the pain that has her guarding her heart any way she can.

So to see this play out on my screen has been fabulous. Yes, it has broken my heart. Made me cry every damn day. Turns me into a giddy blubbering mess, but I wouldn't trade it in for a speedy reunion any day! Even though there is less than 3 weeks left, I wouldn't do it. I can't do it. Whatever that makes me I don't care, I'm loving it!